I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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