cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
