I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
