I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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