u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
