Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
