I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
