FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
