I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
