What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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