There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
