If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
