i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
