So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
