The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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