Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
