Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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