So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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