I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
