so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
