He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Tell her she can't have a vagina
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
