You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
