College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I want her autograph on my taint
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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