i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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