I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
