I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
