I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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