Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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