I want to stick my p in your. b.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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