Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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