Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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