i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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