I wish I could punch you in the face.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
