My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
