I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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