Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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