Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
