yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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