Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
