I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
