If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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