Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
