Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
