If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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