Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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