Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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