Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
