i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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