Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
