Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
