Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
