jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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