Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
