I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
where are my eyebrows?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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