Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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