what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
