after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
