We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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