I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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